6 months - 180 day

6 months - 180 days

I'm now around 6 months in to my new life - a life of being true to myself regardless of what others may / may not think about me and what I do with my life - a life of taking off the mask and costume to become the real me (as odd as that may sound)

 so many things have happened to me in the last 180  or so days -some of then being - changeing my name - spending time riding my bike to different places in nz as a young transgender women - leaning about makeup (including getting some make up for the first time ) - leaning about different foot wear (including getting my first pear of heels : ) spending about 8? Weeks staying at one place at a friend's place near taupo - a big change with all the different clothes I now own and  wear - spending time in front of TV cameras for a few days then being seen on TV when the show was on TV / Internet (outing myself as some one who is transgender as well as talking about my disabilitys on the TV show) - time spent working on my book - making new friends but also losing some friends (but that is just the way things go in life)

as for how my family has taken it - some are ok with me - others in the family seem to dislike me now (so I had just decide to no longer have much to do with them as there is no point spending time around people who dislike me just because I'm now being the real me)

Yes I have lost friends by making the choices that I have made but I have also made more new friends after I had come out  and starter to be the real me (damiana) then I had before - for the friends that I have lost - I do not hold it against them that they are no longer friends with me as that is what they chose to do - perhaps in the future with more understanding they might go back to being friends with me but I'm not going to change who I am (and be unhappy) just to keep then happy - my life is what it is

As for how others have treated me - most of the time it's been ok - a lot of times of me  smiling and laughter ( more than in my old life) also tears - some times happy tears some times sad tears  but overall I'm a lot more happy in my self and would never want to go back to being the old me - even with having to deal with some people's mean or nasty comments that have been said about me or to me (I try not to let them get to me knowing it's then not me who have a problem but it's still a hard thing for me to deal with much of the time )

I do spend a fair amount of time talking to different people about what it's like to be transgender (and the up and down sides of it) as I have noticed that people tend to be more understanding onice some has expaned different things - even if I tend to get asked the same questions a lot - I can only speak of my own experience in being transgender just like I can only speak of my own experience of disability and what it's like

My depression and meltdowns have all most fully gone away - yes I still have bad days from time to time when things get to much but it's no longer anything like it used to be

At times its been a steep leaning curve and yet I have so much more to lean about and to look forward to in my new life

Training ride 19/09/2015 42 km

Training ride 19/09/2015  42 km

Looking at the weather forecast as I think about where to go riding today - clouds and showers - after some thought I decide to do a out and back ride to Reporoa - this time maybe trying out a idea that I had for the last few weeks - a few km out of Reporoa is butchers pool. It's a (free) hot pool up a short gravel road with farm land around the pool with the pool fenced off from the surrounding paddocks with a nearby carpark and changing room/tolet 

After getting the rest of my bike gear together I put my swimwear on the bag that sits on the rear panner rack and head out for a ride. As I'm heading out the gate a few other riders pass by on a training? Ride - I end up getting passed by a few more rider's on the rind in to Reporoa - though some take longer to pass there others (with just about most of the passing riders saying hi as they passed)

After a nice warm up I started to pick my speed up from 18-20 km/h to 25-30 km/h (what's a fast speed for me : ) until I got in to Reporoa where I stopped to get a few photos - there was a car parked with many of the riders that had passed me around - Looks like they may of been part of a training camp/weekend - the riders was a mix of men and women riders (most of the  passing riders I see out on my rides are men so it's nice to see more women out riding) - many of the bikes I saw looked like what one would see in a Ironman race or time trail race so it may of been a training camp for Ironman?  Or maybe for the taupo race

From Reporoa it's a few km ride back towards taupo to butchers pool where I head up the gravel side road (maybe 500m up the gravel road) - there's no one else there today  as I walk down to the pool to check the temperature and the state of the pool (it's been a few years from the last time I was there) before getting changed in to my swimwear and head back down to the pool to spend some time in to pool - it's nice to have a ride with a stop at a hot pool in the middle of the ride - staying in the pool until I decide it's time to get changed back in to riding gear and head off for the rest of the days ride : ) as I'm getting ready to leave some people turn up for a swim - then its back on the bike riding down the gravel road back to the main road - I take it a little more slowly on the ride back to my friends place - about 20-25 km/h  as its a nice day for a ride with the weather being nice and warm with out it being hot, some clouds in the sky and no showers : )

Cameras and me

Cameras and me

As some of you may of notice I'm now taking (and posting) a lot more photos of my self then I used to - the reasons for this are a few things : )

1) it's hard to get a photo of one's self when you travel on your own going many places where there is few people - many of the few photos of myself was taken using a tripod (not the easiest thing to carry around or set up fast)

2) many times I'm not smiling in the photos as I'm trying to get the photo right or else I'm thinking about some thing else

3) I liked more to be the one taking the photos so others can do other things and so I could stay in the back round (and it's a lot more easily to hide from cameras when they not pointed at you) and many times I did not feel part of a group so would try to stay out of the photos

And last but no means less I never really liked how I looked in the photos - and yes I know many people don't like to have they photo taken - for me a big part of it was because I was not being the real me and not living my life I wanted to (the transgender side of things) and so the photos of the out side of me was no where near like the inside of me - the person I was inside and many times I did not like the remainder (of me in photos) of that - and many of the comments that (well meaning) people would make about the photos

So just about all the time I liked to be behind the camera - the one taking the photos - not be the one in the photos : )

So what changed?

Why do I now have fun taking photos of my self and sharing then on Facebook and showing people?

Well part of it was because my mum keep saying to me she did not have many photos of me - there's just about no photos of me from my teenage years - there is the odd photo of me in latter years at a horse event or on the bike some where on the road - other then that there's not really any photos of me

With smart phones that have good cameras it's now a lot more easy to get photos with a front facing camera - my mum did get me a selfy stick (a mondpod thing for getting self portraits) for Xmas last year - though it tends to get more use as a back scratcher then with the phone - one day I might get the hang of using it with a phone or camera : )

I'm now getting slowly better at smiling in photos - a big part of that is I'm now a lot more happy in my life so I'm now smiling a lot more in life : )

With so many people having cameras around I'm now some what less camera shy so I don't mind so much if I end up in a photo - I still love to take photos but it's sometimes nice for some one else to be the person with the camera : )

With Facebook making it so easy to share photos its fun for me to post photos of myself on the bike or doing other things like enjoying the sunny weather : )

And last but not least with the big changes in my life I'm now being the real me so I'm now a lot more happy to have photos of me - some of then because it helps tell my story of how my life is and where it's going : ) and I now can have a lot more fun with what  I wear (and how I wear it) and how I look (a  never ending fun leaning experience) - I even have a play with make up from time to time (so much to lean on that fun subject : ) with different make up giving very different looks - and because I'm now a lot less
 worryed about what others may think of me it gives me a lot of freedom to be who I am and have fun with the camera as I do it : )

So I guess in the end people will just have to get use to me taking and posting photos of me having fun and smiling as I look at the camera : )   don't worry unlike like some people out there I won't go too crazy with photos of my self : )

Para-dressage camp weekend

It's a very tired girl who's typing this in her bed so i hope it makes at least some sense : )

A long tiring weekend - it started on Friday - well in some ways the start was a few?  Days before when I decided to go to a horse event on the upcoming weekend - I did have to have a long think if to go or not as I knew it would be hard on me mentally and emotionally as it would be the first horse event that there would be more then 3 or 4 people who knew me at the event but I have to start somewhere if I'm going to keep going to events

  Well the fun?  Started on Friday with first up trying to decide what to bring on the bike (and what to wear) as I would be staying in my tent on site from Friday night to Monday morning - yes I could have bike in each day - riding there and back was the first plan - in the end I decided just to set up camp for the weekend as I did not know how tired I would be and it would give me a safe place to be if things did went to pieces with me. After only getting about 1/2 the things done that was on my to do list (mostly because I just forgot about 1/2 of them as I had to many things in my head : ) it was time to head off - first heading into town (in to a head wind so a slow ride in to taupo) to get some food shopping in also to the library to check Facebook and email (had rain out of Internet on the phone) - in one of the Facebook posts I saw that the taupo bike  ride is making each 4 lap riders have they own support crew and a support vehicle on the ride -so this means that I will not be able to do the taupo bike ride this year - I really wanted to do the ride this year and was looking forward to it as I like doing the longer rides but there's no real point being angry with the people who make the ride rules as its not like It will change things so now its time for some new dreams and goals for me - life is what it is - after shopping I head out to the horse place and set up camp for the weekend 

Saturday - with it being a para-dressage event I knew that many of my friends from para-dressage would be there - in the past its not been a issue but as it will be the first time that many have seen me face to face since my big change I was very worried emotionally and mentally about how people would be around me at the event - even though I do chat to some on Facebook - doing things face to face is very different from being online - it went more or less OK with some giving me a shorter nickname (as damiana can be harder to say then damian - funny how just one more letter in a name can make it a lot harder to say)

One of the things I try not to think about to much at events is when someone is getting a lesson - that is to say it's emotionally hard on me as I would love to ride at a para-dressage event or even have a few dressage lessons but it's just not going to happen any time soon or even in the next few years the way my life is  so I don't tend to stick around as I would tend to just get more upset/frustrated and start crying (and I don't like to have people see me cry - I tend to try to get to a safe place before getting to upset as my legs then start to badly play up when I get upset - ie I can't get my legs  to work for a few hours or more )

By the time of the para-dressage get together later in the day I was mosty out of it with my brain surgling to understand things that was going on - on the outside I may look OK or not to bad - but on the inside I'm not doing well and probably should be back in the tent or other safe place when I'm like this - to much for my poor brain to deal with - perhaps head injury suff? - at some point I head off to bed though I don't really remember much of the day from lunch time onwourd? - I hope I did not bug or upset any of my friends over the weekend (as can happen when I'm some what out of it at places )

Sunday  there was rotorua dressage day on as well as some para-dressage class's on so there was more people who know me - many of then did not know about the big changes in my life - some was great about it some was OK and then there was the ones - Well All I can say is that it could of gone better and leave it at that (in other words they did not take the news well :  (   so it turned out to be a difficult day emotionally and mentally for me - much of the time I do try to hide my thoughts and feelings when I'm out with people - I tend to have some trust issues +not being able to read people causes it's own issues )

At the end of the day I helped pack up the dressage rings before heading to my tent for the night 
And that was my weekend 

Some thoughts on my plans that are coming up

This was something I was thinking about when I was out riding on the bike today - My plans for the rest of the year and into new year are still very much up in the air I'm not sure what horse events if any I will be going to over the next 6 months or so - I don't want to say yes to going to a event then have to put out of going if I'm not up to it - as for the taupo ride also the rest of the te araoa trail walk I'm not going to make any fixed plans on then - In some ways I still have not recover both physical and mentality (also in many ways emotional) from the north Island ta walk -and then what came after - the last year has been extremely hard on me with first the ta walk then there was the crazy suff to do with the big changes that I have made/are making in my life including the name /gender change suff (but they was changes that I had to make for my self and I'm now a lot more happy in my life then I was before) one of the big ? Marks with if I will do the taupo ride is finding some one/some people to be a support crew on the ride for me (one must have a support crew to take part in the ride with the 4x ride  as part of the rules)  also will see what my heath is doing as time gets closer - I'm still going to go out and train on rides that will get longer and harder and start making the plans I need to with the ride but with not say yes or no to the ride until I know I can in fact do the ride

With the ta walk I have so much work a head with the planing Also working on the many things like food drops - much of my gear needs replace or a lot of repaired work (long walks /living on the road tends to be hard on gear) also I still need to find out the cause/treatment of the pain in my legs and a few other heath issues before I can even think about the south Island walk - last but not least do I still want to do the south Island leg of the ta trail?  At this point in time I'm not really sure if I still do or not

Training ride 67 km 27/08/2015x

Training ride  67 km 27/08/2015

Today's ride was my first training ride as I get fit for doing the 4x Lake taupo cycle challenge ride thought first up a had a little job to take care on the bike - well a big job taking around a hour or so to do - the job was taking apart the rear hub to service it and replace the ball bearings also the cones that was getting badly pitted so they needed replacement and the was not the most easy part to track down  (it took 2 trys and a few weeks to get the parts) after cleaning the old gress from the hub I regressed it and put in the 18 new ball bearings (9 each side) before putting in the new axle (could only get the parts I needed to replace by getting a new axle set) and setting up the rest of the hub/wheel before putting it on the bike and checking to make sure it's set up right. Then it's time for a bike ride : )

After getting changed in to my bike gear and putting a few things on the bike it's time to let my friend know I'm heading out on the bike - once I'm out the gate and on the road I reset the bike computer and start riding - today's ride starts with a mix  of flat and up hill riding for around 12 km (stopping a few times to get pictures of me on the bike : )  before I turn off the road I'm on - I then take the road that leads down hill on to spa? Road and into the town of taupo  - once I get to the round about at the end/start of spa?  Road I stop for a min or so before deciding to head down to the boat harbour as its such a nice day after getting a few more photos I decide to keep heading along the pathway that leads its way along the lake (the pathway leds all the way to 5 mile Bay around 10 km of track away) as I look over the lake at a rest area (that happens to be on top of the water treatment plant for getting clean drinking water for the town of taupo from the lake) I see a sign saying 5 mile Bay 9 km away so I decided to head along the shared pathway out to 5 mile Bay stopping ever so often to take some photos of the lake and other landscape keeping my speed down as there are many people out enjoying the path way around the lake edge today (it's a nice sunny day) and I'm not in any hurry on today's ride : ) I keep riding along the path way until I get to the other end at 5 mile Bay when I stop for a few mins to set up my bike lights and put on a jacket as the sun sets for the day then it's time to start the ride back to my friends place. On the way back along the pathway I can get up a bit more speed as there is a lot less people on the track - I don't go to fast on the track - partly as many of the people still on the track are hard to see as they are not wearing any lights and darker clothes (even spot a few bike ninjas - ie people on bikes with  no lights and dark clothes) and partly so I don't miss a turn on the track and end up in the lake : ) back at River side Park?  I head up the hill and cross the road to the supermarket to get some bread - after getting the things I need I spend a bit of time redoing the rear lights mounting before heading back up spa?  Road climbing up hill to I get to the high point on today's ride then is mostly down hill riding where I sit on around 25-30 km/h most of the way back to my friends place for the night - after putting the bike away I take my things inside and make a start on cooking up some pasta for dinner - after dinner and a shower it's time for bed

I ended up doing 67 km on the bike today today so had a nice Stat to training  - keeping in mind that the taupo ride I'm training for is 640 km or around 10 times as far : )

Taupo bike ride this year ?

Taupo bike ride this year ?

To do the Taupo bike ride this year or not? I'm not sure if I will  do the Taupo ride this year or not - I'm looking at doing the 640 km 4 lap ride - why that ride and not the 1xor 2x rides - well doing 1x ride is not much of a ride for me ( keeping in mind  some of my training rides I tend to do for fun are 180  km or longer and I tend to do better on the longer rides - I don't race or see how fast I do a ride in-  more I do a long ride as a challenge to myself  (set a goal-do it -move on to the next goal ) - with the 2x (320km) ride it's not much so much of a challenge for me now   As I know I can do a 320 km ride and it's over in around 16 hours or so . ( for the people who don't know I have done the 1x,2x ,4x and 8x rides around Taupo before so I know what they are each like 

on the up side I love to ride my bike and push my self to the limit and beyond when I ride the long rides that I do - to see what I can do on the bike it's also good to met up with some of the others I know from long rides and it's always nice to do something that others keep trying to tell me I can't do  . On the down side it's a lot of work getting ready for doing a long ride even before one puts in all the riding one needs to do in training for the ride -all the planing of what to eat and drink and the many other things that need to be worked out  , finding a support crew to help with the ride , finding the money to pay for things , getting the bike all fixed up and setup for long rides , time to train - finding the time to train and trying to work it around things that other people want me to do ( helping out at the places I'm staying at also helping at events )- having enough time to train- to get as fit as I need to for this ride with out over doing things in the time I have is going to be very hard - do I want to put up my hand and say yes to doing this ride with ever thing else that is happening in my life at this time ? - if I say yes to this ride I want to give it 100% what means other things will need to be cut back on or put on hold until after the ride as I just don't have the energy or time to do everything- in the past I have not done enough training (or to much training ( overtraining) or have tried  to keep other people happy and end up over doing things - if I do enter this years ride I want to do a lot better then some of the other years when things did not go so well ( yes I did finished the ride but some of them could of gone a lot better- I do try to lean from my mistakes thought each time )

Taking a bit of break from the road

Taking a bit of break from the road - I'm staying at a friends place near Taupo so I can work on getting the bike back to being rideable and work on my book that I'm doing also plan out and set up things for the South Island leg of my te Araroa walk  - will say more as I work out things myself:  )

A week at my mums place

A week at my mums place 

I spent a week staying at my mums place working on my long to do list - one of the things was to go over the bike - looks like I'm going to need some new parts for the bike . Spend a few days walking around the towns of otorohanga and te kuiti and got a few library books out to read 

Hamilton to te kuiti

Hamilton to te kuiti 

A bit of a late start to the days riding- at one point I spot one of the dogs running off with the inner sole of one of my bike shoes - it takes a bit of looking but I do end up getting it back - in the end after more chating and a bit of food I'm on the road around lunchtime- theres a bit of map work to find my way on the the road that's leads to te kuiti ( where my mums lives )  the days riding has more then a few hills to ride over - I must be getting a bit more fitter on the bike over the last few weeks as the hills don't wear me out so much - there is a nice mix of small and larger town to ride though on to days  ride - near dark I stop in the town of otorohanga for a bit of a break and give my mum a call to let her know where I'm at and where I'm likely to be at her place -putting on my new bike lights I head off for the last bit of the days ride where I ride until I get to my mums house around 6-7 pm - I must have good timing as dinner is ready as I'm walking in the door. After putting the bike under cover and taking the things I need in side I have dinner before heading off to bed 

Some where to hamilton

Some where to hamilton 

Packing up camp I see there's no ice on the tent this time - unlike the last time I went this way : )  riding along the trail until I get into the town of paeroa where I full up my water bottles  and take some photos of the bike in front of the big L&P bottle before taking a bit of a road ride to skip a bit of a loop that the trail takes then it's back on the cycle trail riding to I get to the town of te aroha where I have a look around town and cheek my phone for any messages as I work out where I'm staying the night. After picking up some food I get back to riding stoping ever 10 km or so for some thing to eat and drink passing through a few small towns and the odd larger one as I head toward hamilton- I'm not so much heading for the city but more near the airport where I have a friend who is letting me stay the night so at one point I start heading around hamilton taking back roads and a walkway/cycle way ( to get a cross a gully between the ends of 2 roads )  just before I Cross over the bridge I stop and give a friend a call - they live near to the bridge but as I don't want to be a pain by popping in as they tend to be busy - I just give then a bit of a wave and chat for a few mins then it's back to riding - across the bridge and down a few more roads keeping a eye on my phone ( what's telling me what roads to take ) to I get to my friends place where it's nice to have a bit of a chach up as we chat for a few hours before heading to bed - I get to sleep in a real bed in a real house tonight: ) 

Some where to some where

Some where to some where

After packing it's time to start the day  riding - the day starts with  a climb up a long and some what steep hill  - on the up side it's the last big hill to ride over for the next 140 km or so. After passing the summit it's mostly down hill to I get down to sea level. From there the road runs next to the sea passing through a few small towns along the way. At one of the town I stop for a bit of a break at a small shop called the pink store ( or the pink shop )  then it's back on the bike heading towards Thames with more riding along the plans and crossings the big kopu bridge . 

At kopu I stop to look in a few shops before heading along the cycle trail South . I keep riding until it's near dark where I stop at a small shop/cafe for a bit of food for dinner then it's back on the cycle trail until I find a safe place to camp for the night 

Friends place to some where

Friends place to some where 

After packing up my gear and saying good bye to my friends I headed down to the train station to cross over the motorway on a foot bridge (and down a set of steps ) riding down a few roads to I got on to great South road  that I mosty rode along - at one of the malls as I come out with shopping-food and a new map I have one of the local community/ auckland council people come up to me and start asking me a lot of questions about my income and what I was doing - then told me to move on as I might of been begging for money or bugging the public? ( I'm more likely to have people come up to me and start chatting to me about my bike and where I'm going /have been in my travels) also was told to move on as the hi-vis safety vest that has the words cycle lake Taupo on it that I wear to help traffic see me was advertising ( is there rules that say what people can wear on the bike or when walking around town )  -  I don't think the bike I ride (what was custom made for me in the usa ) is the type used by people who sleep on the street and beg for money ( like what you see on queen st in Auckland - I'm not sure if to be confused or angry about the way this person treated me - must be a auckland thing as its the first time it's happened to me in over 10 years of travel all over nz 

Back on great South road I keep riding stoping to look at the map from time to time to make sure I'm going where I want to go - at one point I can keep on great South road (a busy 4 lane road ) or I can start heading out of the city so I decide to start heading out of the city and I few km latter I'm riding on a 2 lane road with only a few cars   Passing by in the country- it's much more nicer riding I keep riding to I get to a small town ( at one point passing through a bit of road works so the road is down to one lane so end up having a few cars start coming it me from the other direction (because of the timing of the traffic light ) not so nice but that's life on the road ) at the small town I stop for a ice cream and chat to a few people before its time to get back to riding - I keep riding to its near dark then after asking around a bit I find a place to put my tent for the night next to the sea  :  )

Some where in auckland to a friends place in auckland

Some where in auckland to a friends place in auckland 

After a bit more of a chat to the nice person who let me stay the night on different things I pack up my gear before taking it down a few sets of stairs then it's time to get on the road - stoping at a few shops and heading to the info center to pick up the next map I need to find my way around auckland -it would seem that the paper auckland cycle maps can be a bit hard to find at times . Heading up queen st  I stop at the yha to join yha as a member- well the auckland yha won't even let me join with out photo I'd ( even though one can join online with out needing any photo I'd ) and will only allow a photo I'd or a driver lasted ? Not even a 18 + card ( what is a type of photo I'd issue by the government) as it was the rules   Even after I told then why I don't have any photo I'd -  well after that I decided to call the yha office to get more info on the rules as its seems to be different depending on who you taking to - I ended up talking to a nice person who after I explain just why I don't have I'd ( the name/gender change)  worked out a way for me to stay at the yha places and a way to be a member with out a passport -also found out that the 18+ card would in fact be ok for photo I'd (on a side note after looking up the 18+ card it would seem that I might have a few issues getting a 18+ card as 1/2 the suff they seem to ask for- I don't have like a photo I'd ( the thing of needing photo I'd to get photo I'd is a bit of a pain to me as I don't have any ) any how it all work out in the end ( I hope ) 

After getting the yha thing work out I head thought Newmarket (still in Auckland) and a few other parts of auckland stoping at a few shops and one of the library's for a hour of so before heading to my friends place for the night picking up some ice cream and some bread (that they asked me to get ) on the way 

Friends place to auckland

Friends place to auckland 

At my friends place I decided to ring up to make sure that the place I was looking at staying at would let me stay - well as it tuns out the Auckland yha won't let me stay the night because of the lack of photo I'd ( after changing my name/gender I can't use my old id so don't have any photo I'd - thought this was not a issuse at one of the other yha places I stayed at a few weeks ago after I told then why I don't have any photo I'd ) so it's time for plan b - that's to say find some where else to stay that don't  need photo I'd for (easy said then done )  - after some thought I end up staying with a warm showers host ( warm showers is a on line set up where touring riders are hosted by other touring riders world wide )  

Onice I'm on the road I head a long a mix of cycle ways and roads ( some busy roads other roads not so busy ) in places on the north western cycle way ? There are detours because of road construction on the motorway (where the cycle way runs next to in places ) so it's handy to have the cycle maps to find what way to go 

Onice I get in to Auckland cbd and ride down queen st I stop at a few shops picking up some glue ( to repare some holes in my panner bags and shoes (also my boots the other boot heel has come apart ) and a few other things like a new front light to replace the one that's powered off the front wheel that stopped working a few days ago - one of the bike shops has a 50% off sale on bike lights so end up getting a $160 light for $80  before heading to see some friends at a place that do a disabled tv show? - getting some what wet as its starts to rain on the way there - at my friends work it's nice to meet up with a few older friends and met some people face to face for the first time who I talked to with over the phone to

From my friends work I take a few roads to I get on to a new cycle way that takes me most of the way to the place I will be staying the night- after I work out which place it was and the person who's place I'm staying at gets home there we have a bit of a chat about life on the road and bike touring and a few other things before I head off to bed for the night 

Woodhill sands to a friends place

Woodhill sands to a friends place

A bit of a late start as I sleep in for a bit to rest up from the weekend before starting to pack up camp - as I'm about to leave I spot that one of the bots that hold the rear panner rack on has come out taking the thread with it so after some thought i decide to use a few cable ties to hold the rack in place until I can get it fixed some where- in this case getting it reaped to 6mm thread and finding a new bot then it's on the road to my friends place riding down S.H.16 though a few small towns using my phone to fin my way stoping at a few places to pick up one of the auckland cycle maps so I can find my way in to the city using some of the cycle ways and also try to find some place to fix the issue of the missing bot in the rear panner rack - after trying a few places I end up going to a chainsaw and mower place that does reapers and also sells a few bike parts a few km from my friends place that has the 6mm tap I need and 10 mins latter all fixed- took longer to find a replacement bot then to 

retap the bot hole before  I head the last few km to my friends place for the night  

Weekend at Woodhill sands

Weekend at Woodhill sands 

On the Saturday there was a dressage have a go day where I helped out running the dressage test papers from the judges to the office-easy day of running as there was only 4 cars to get the tests from -was nice to see friends again-even saw a friend who place I stayed at closer to auckland  on my last end to end ride so arranged to stay there on Monday night .after the dressage was finish I help set up for show hunter  

On the Sunday there was show hunter and show jumping winter day event ?. where I helped out in the pony ring picking up jumps and helping change the course (putting the jumps up ) with the weather being cold and wet for much of the day (some one still has to pick up jumps even in the wet and cold) and chating to a few of my friends who was there - I was a bit worried about how some may treat me as this was my first horse event that I helped at since I made the big changes in my life ( the name/gender change) - the weekend went ok with no one at the dressage or show jumping events having any issues with me - some people had seen what I have been up to on facebook others I just told as I saw them ( thought I did hear on the Monday about a very few people in the horse world who seem to take issue with me - not that I think much of people like that and I'm to busy having fun being who I am to be worried about the very few small minded people like that - it's my life so I'm the one who gets to pick just how I'm going to live it )

Just out of wellsford to woodhill sands

Just out of wellsford to woodhill sands 

As I'm packing up one of the people who's place I stayed the night at passing by so we start chatting about different things then it's time to start the days ride- first up heading back up the hill on the gravel road I came down last night - it's a bit of a challenge in places as the back wheel spins out a few times - once I'm on the road I have a bit of rolling hills then a nice down hill before starting the first big hill of the day - it's a slow climb up to the summit ( where there is a rest area and look out ) a few times on the climb I stop for a rest before getting to the top - where there's a sign saying the hill I just came up was around 11% in how steep it was . After a bit of a break at the top I start the down the other side at times getting up to around 50 km/h - from the end of the down hill there road mosty seems to roll over a few hills (short but steep) until it's time for me to start on the 2 big hill of the day that I I get up ok then it's a fun down hill to the town of k where I stop for a pie (to warm back up ) before riding the 12? Km to the town of helensville where I stop to stock up on food for the next few days before riding the last mostly flat roads to woodhill sands that I get to just on dark where I set up camp for the night and head to bed for the night 

Near m to just out of wellsford

Near m to just out of wellsford 

After packing up camp I get on the road riding over a few more hills before getting in to a small town -that seems to be in two parts as there's a few work shops and other places then a break with farmland then some more houses and a few shops a few km down the road - after a bit of a break I get back to riding to I get back onto sh1 for a 28 km ride on busy roads to wellsford where I head to the library for a bit before fulling up my water bottles and leaving town - as I'm leaving town I see my front light ( powered of the front hub ) is not working-some thing else to look at fixing or replacement. As I'm passing one drive way a few cars come out so I stop to ask if they know of a place to camp ( as its getting dark now ) they say just head down the driveway and there be a grass place where I can put up the tent for the night and they be back latter so after heading down the driveway (and down a hill on a gravel road ) I set up camp for the night doing a bit of reading before heading off to sleep for the night 

Some where to near m

Some where to near m 

Up and on the road by 8 am I have about a 20 km ride over a few rolling hills to get to the town of drag? - I noticed there's more traffic on the road today with around 5-10 logging trucks going by . Around 10 am I get in to town and have a look around a few shops and ended up chating to a few people including some who saw me a few days ago on the road  then it's time for a bit of food shopping and a visit to the wherehouse where I find a nice suff? For $4 before heading out of town over a long bridge over a wide river? . From there the riding is flat for many km passing through a small town where I stop for a ice cream 

Back on the road its flat for about 8 more km  then the hills start - after some time I start looking for a place to stop for the night - I try ringing a campground a few km away with no one home so I keep riding to I get to a house where I go in and ask if they know some where for me to camp for the night - they show me a place near they house then say come in for a cup of tea - I end up chating to then for a few hours before heading off to bed for the night 

100 days in my new life

100 days  into my new life     

Some thoughts on the last 100 days 

Its about 100 days from the day I changed my life -by taking off the mask and costume i had on ( well in many ways that's what it felt like so I could be the real me )going from living as a male to living full time as female- I don't tend to keep track of dates when things happen - it's was only I was looking at the calendar/planner app on my phone to work out the last time I was at my mums place and for some reason I looked up how long it's been from my changeover day - time flies when you're having fun :  )

It's been a busy time for me with a lot of traveling- with some things staying the same and other things changing - I'm still out riding around nz on my bike. Some of the fun changes has been in what I wear and some of the new things in my panner bags - like a small make up kit - much of my clothes have changed with me having skits , dresses ,nice tops (and yes I do wear bras and my breast forms ) in my bike panniers  or bike trailer even a par of boots with a 2" heel ( what I'm slowly getting used to walking in : )  much of what I wear on the bike is the same though I do some times wear a knee length skirt or dress ( with bike shorts on underneath) on the bike for a bit of fun and just because I can: ) 

What has it been like for me emotionally 

Well I'm now a lot more happy in myself with no more big meltdowns and my depression is just about gone ( I still have the odd hard or bad day but it's no where as bad as it was ) 

There have been many days where I have done things that mean a lot to me - a big thank you to all the friends that have helped me on many of those days as with out you I'm not sure things would of gone so well for me - the 3 crazy ( in a good way : ) days I spent in auckland come to mind  with 2 of the days being in front of a TV camera as I got my ears done and did many other things like getting a make over ( leaning about make up ) even got in some time around horses and met some new friends in auckland 

Taking about friend ( and others) this was a place that I was some what worry about as in my research on transgender issues I saw that many transgender people do seem to lose a lot of the friends /family when they come out and was told by some that many of my friends would not like it / be able to handle it when I did come out and start the big and hard job of telling then what I was going to do ( changing my name and gender) - so what happened when people found out ? In some ways not much in other ways a lot so what do I mean by that ? Well it's like this - yes I did lose some friends but only maybe 10? And for many of then I all ready knew from they attitudes towards people like me ( ie transgender people) that they would no longer want to know me - I don't let it worry me  as there will aways be people out there who don't understand ( or don't want to lean) as for people who have tried  to cause issues with me being me I have had very few issues-mostly    I have had 2 people on line say a few not so nice thing about me from what I heard  and had 1 person make some transphobic comments at me out loud as I came out of a shop in otorohanga-so what did I do with the person making the comments out loud- well there was a few things I could of said  but in the end all I did was take no notice of them and keep walking down the road with my head held high and a smile on my face - yes I'm transgender and no I'm not going to let the opinions of a very few get to me or up set me when I'm having a nice day walking around town - to me they attitudes and opinions shows just how little minded they are ( as no one else took any notice of them how little they opinions really matter)  98 % of the people I deal with every day have no issues with me being me ( I do get asked from time to time about transgender things so I answer the best I can as it helps with people then having a better understanding of things to do with transgender issues and information as there seems to be some misunderstandings because of how transgender people are portrayed on TV shows and the media at times) 

As for the rest of my friends - they have been very supportive of me and the changes in my life - I did have to explain a few things to some to help clean up a few misunderstanding. I have had  a lot of fun with my friends along the way doing things together ( over the last 100 days ) and in many ways I now have every more friends now then I had before I came out with the name/gender change 

I did spend a lot of time thinking about what to do with on line suff -facebook and my blog - I had a few ways I could of done it but in the end I just did a new facebook page for myself and keepthe other my other facebook pages ( my travel and my te Araroa walk page)  going setting then up to work with my new page - I all so posted on facebook and the blog what I was doing in my life and asked  my facebook friends to friend me on my new page as I closed down my old page - for now I'm keeping my photography website the same as I'm not sure what to do with that yet 

I'm still playing cache  up with the Paper work - some of my paper work still says my old name or gender and other paper work has been updated with the new name and/or gender - I now have no photo I'd what can cause a few issues from time to time ( I can't even use my old passport for id as its under the old name /gender ) it's going to take at lest to next year to fix some of the paper work but I'm slowly chipping away at it as different bits of paper work come to light :  )  most places have been ok once I explain things  and I tend to allow more time to get things done as some times the people who I deal with need to ask someone higher up what to do 

Last but not less  some have told me after they found out what I was doing that I did not know what I was doing or I would be more unhappy with my life or asked me why I could not just stay the same and be happy with that - in other words a lot of fear  - my answer to then is this is just something I knew i had to do for myself and only myself - to be the real me - to be Damiana regardless of what other may think - after my first 100 days do I have any regrets or plans to go back to who I was - it this point I will say no I don't have any real regrets over the path I have taken in my life and I have no plans what so ever to go back to the old me - the one who came so close to ending they life because they was so unhappy could not see a way out besides killing they self or making the hard choices that was needed for then to be they real self   - the real me that I am now is very happy in life and is facing what ever life brings then with they head held high and a big smile on my face - in many ways it's still early days yet but I'm looking forward to my life 

Near waipoua forest to some where

Near waipoua forest to some where 

It's bit of a change sleeping inside - had a bit of a late night as was up to midnight -partly as I was reading on the iPad also the heater/air conditioning keep turning on then off (had no idea how to turn the thing off )  . After getting out of bed I packed up and got on the road heading into the waipoua forest - 18? Km of windy road though bush.

 After a few km of riding I came to the car park of the 5 min walk to the big kauri tree knowing as tane mahuta ( lord of the forest ) -it's the largest living kauri tree in nz - the dimensions of the tree are trunk hight 17.7 M ,total hight 71.5 M , trunk girth 13.8 M , trunk volume 244.5 M (3) and the age of the tree is around 2000 years old 

After spending some time looking at the tree and other bush and having a play with the cameras I get back on the road though the rest of the forest at one point passing between 2 large kauri trees ( on a one lane bridge over the roots of the trees ) before heading down a fun down hill for a few km before crossing a bridge over a river ( and a turn off to a vister centre) then the road starts climbing again- about 5 km past the bridge and side road I come out of the forest on to farmland with the road still climbing- after getting to the top of that hill there's still a few more hills to climb unto a 2 km long steep down hill ( lots of fun as I wind around the bends around 50 km/h ) leading in to the next small town where I stop for a bit and get some food and a bottle of poweraid ( as I was riding though the bush one of the lids came off one of the 2 poweraid bottles I had water in so I deside to replace the bottle with the now missing lid to a new one ) after chating to the person for a bit on different things I get back on the road to get in a few more km for the day before its time to look for a place to camp for the night - after cheeking the phone for emails/messages I stop at one house and end up settling up camp in the back yard for the night 

Rawene to some where near waipoua forest

Rawene to some where near waipoua forest 

It's still a bit windy this morning as I pack up but not as windy as the last 2 days have been - getting on the road about 10 am ( only about a hour later then planed :  )  then it was back on the road heading out of town - as I leave town  there is a small hill to climb - just a taste of thing to come 

After the first little hill :  ) the road is just about flat is it runs next to the sea for the new few km before I get to a T juldin? Where after some thought I turn right to head out to the west coast passing though a few small towns and heading over a few bigger hills that are a nice warm up for the rest of the up coming hills for the next few days - on one of the hills some one walked past me as said only 7 more km to go - not sure if then meant for me of for then ? Riding until I got to the town of opononi ( where there is a Bronze statue and a grave marker to a donfine? ) i stop to pick up a bit more food as I'm not sure what shops will still be open ( I see many shops that close for the winter ( or some times summer )or else fully close down as less people shop there as I travel around nz ) back on the road there is a good size hill to ride over with a rest stop on top where I stop for a bit of a break - the weather is mixed with mostly overcast with some blue sky at time with it being passing showers at other times   Back on the road there is a mix of riding with a few more hills to ride over - on one of the down hills there is some lose stock on the road so I slow down to go pass it ( at the same time it's starts to rain again) after some more riding I get in to a small town where I stop to go to the lool- going across to the small shop to get the key to get into the hall before getting a pie to warm up and some bread ( for dinner tonight) then it's back on the bike where as I leave town I have a long and some what steep climb up to waipoua forest . Around 5 pm the rain sets in as I start looking for a place to stay the night - at the first house I try and they offer the barn - what turns out not to be a hay barn ( and yes I have spent the night in a few hay barns over the years : ) but more some a place more like a house with kitchen, bathroom and even bedrooms ( with beds ) the nice person there tells me to make my self at home as we chat about a few things including bog inn hut a place we have both spent time there (old hut with lots of rats ) then I get changed into some nice dry clothes before setting on a bed and typing this up on the iPad 

Rawene rest days

Rawene rest days 

Stent 2 days off the bike at the rawene camp ground as the weather would of made for some fun riding - not!  With the weather being High winds ( up 110 km ) and rain I decided to have some time off the bike - it's days like this that is why I don't plan out where I be going each day to much also it means I can take a rest day when my body needs one then having to be worried about time table so much - yes there are times that I have each day planned out but that is mostly when going to events or if meeting up with some one some where on a set date 

On the first of the 2 days off the bike I mostly  relax and do some reading as well as typing up about 5 more days of my te Araroa walk trail notes ( the notes I put down on paper each day on the walk ) - I did end up going for a walk into town ( about a 20 min walk each way ) to get some nice food as the weather was so bad ( wet and windy ) then it was back to more reading before heading off to bed - the 2th day was mostly spent reading a few books - I did buy and read a new kindel ebook ( on my own two feet ? ) then it was time for bed for the night 

What is bravery , having a lot of courage or being a inspiration?

This is some thing I been thinking over the last few weeks 

What is bravery , having a lot of courage or being a inspiration? 

One of the things I get said to me a lot by people I met on the road and on line is that I must have a lot of courage to do what I do in life or that I'm a inspiration to people and I must be brave to do what I do in life - in many ways I don't really know what to make of this as I'm only living my life the only way I can 

Let's talk about some of the labels that many have used ( and continue to use )  on me - I'm some one who happens to be a young transgender woman who  has many disables to live with - some of then I have had all my life others I got thought accidents or other causes after I was born also Im some one who lives on the road full time getting around by bike or on foot for around the last 8?years . I'm a helper at horse events around the North Island for many years 

Is doing what I do brave or a inspiration to others and do I have lot of courage in my life and why ?

Looking at some of the labels 

Being Disable 

With my Disabilitys  that I live with each and every day. Yes many of then do cause me a few issues like my speech when I talk to people so they can understand what I I'm asking - some time it can take a few try's to be understood when I ask for something or with my dyspraxia/head injuries it can take more me time to understand something or the fact that some times I need to do things in a different way then most as the way others do it just don't work for me - getting my body to do even so called simple things at times is just to hard or leaves me suffed for a few days after

Yet I don't really let it get to me - yes I'm disabled but I will not let what I can not do stop me from doing what I can do - to give some a idea of what that means in my case I plan then go out and do things that so called able body people would find hard -even though  many times people have tried telling me I can't do it because of my leaver of disability  

Like what type of things one may ask ? 

Things like walking from Cape reinga to wellington along the te Araroa trail - a 1500 km walk along roads,  down beaches though  farmland and bush by myself wearing a 25+ kg backpack  sleeping in a camping hammock or tent just about ever night or riding the lake Taupo bike ride doing 1x ,2x 4x lap and last time the 8x lap rides - each lap being 160 km so the 8 lap was 1280 km that I did in 122 hours ( or 6 days )  - yes I did have a few people help with the rides but I still did the ride doing just about ever km  solo ( for some of lap 6? On the 8 lap ride I did have others around me as that was when the 1 lap fun ride was taking place ) - I have ridden my bike carrying all my gear in panners and bike trailer 3000 km from Cape reinga to bluff in January-February 2014 solo  fundrising and rising awareness of head injuries ( I have had at lest 7 bad head injuries over the years ) on the ride - at this point in time I'm about a week into a winter end to end bike ride  

So why do I do the type of things I do even being disabled- well first up I do then for myself as they are the type of things I like to do - set a big goal - work out how to do it -then  just do it and move on the the next goal - I try not to let my Disabilitys stop me from doing things - some times it may take longer or I need to work out a different way of doing something but I still do what my goal is ( or at the very less as close as I can ) 

Also because I do then for fun as every one needs at less some fun in they life - keep smiling as it makes people wonder what you are up to : ) 

But most of all I do then because that's what a want to do in my life - it's my life so I'm the one who gets to pick what they do with it - others can help or hinder me but in the end it's up to me what I do in my life :  ) 

Living on the road by bike or on foot 

I have been traveling part time on my own from the age of 16? And full time for the last 8 ? Years I live most of the time in a tent ( a tent tends to last me between 6-12 months before needing to be replaced as they wear out ) yes even in winter time I'm still sleep in a tent - some times a friend my put me up for a few days to a few weeks   From time to time  - so why do I travel so much ? For many years it was because I was looking for a place to call home "some where to fit in " as I never really felt that I fitted in any one place - for now the road is my home in that it is the only place I fit in - maybe it's a sign that I been on the road too long ? Do I miss a fixed home ? I don't really know as it's been so long from the last time I had a fixed address I don't really know what's it's like to have one any more  also for me long term travel is like having a nice well done home cook meal instead of a TV dinner as I'm out there seeing places and meeting people with my own eyes not just seeing things on TV  or seeing a great painting on the wall with my eyes  instead of just liking a photo of it on Facebook

Being a young transgender woman 

Well this one is a hard one for me in a few ways so what is the back story? Well as I  grown up I knew some thing was off or not right but for many years I did not have the words to say what was going though my mind also I was scred what others would think or do so I never said any thing about it. then a few years I some how found out about transgender people so I talked to a very few people I trusted and spent a few years doing home work finding out as much as I could - as part of the information I found I some how found a few people who are also transgender- at that point I was still not sure what to do - so what put me over the edge ( so to speak)  in the end so I made the decision I did  - well it was the night of my 31 birthday ( 2015 ) and I was feeling very low as I was walking back to the house where I was doing some house sitting in eketahuna- as I walked across the bridge high over the river I stopped and looked over the side and thought about ending my life by jumping off the bridge- yes I was feeling that low and at that point in time could not see any other way out sadness of the depression in my life ( that I have been dealing will many years )  - why I did not jump I don't know but I knew I had to start making big changes in my life as  I did not the next time I would of killed my self - one of the big changes was to be true to myself regardless of what others might think - to start living full time as the real me ( as a young transgender woman ) - I started talking to friends telling then what I was doing and why ( the name and gender change) knowing I would loss some of then but its my life so it my rules on how I live it  - then they was the harder parts like when  I picked a change over date when I would go from living as a young man to living as a young woman and going up to auckland to do the name change - one of the hardest things was telling my family what I was doing and why -so what is it like for me - well for me it's still early days as I only been full time female for a few months but I'm now a lot more happy in life being the real me ( before it felt like I  was wearing a mask hiding the real me from the world - now the mask is gone ) so how have people treated me ? Most people have been good - some have been not so good or even down right nasty but I don't let people like that get to me  ( there can be so much hate on the Internet but also so much help and support from people) I know by living my life the way I am at times I'm putting my life at risk -(  in the usa there's a lot of hate crime against transgender people-by some reports- it's around 15 times the murder  rate also around 1/2 of all transgender people have tried to kill they selfs  ) In some ways by telling my story and taking to different people I hope to perhaps help others who may be transgender and they friends and family to have a better understanding 

As for the horse events  I help because I love to help others when and where I can - so why horses - well for me horses are not a matter of life and death they are more important that that :  )

  So is doing what I do brave or a inspiration to others and do I have lot of courage in my life ? - well I guess the answer is up to other people to judge as to me I'm just who I am ( who ever that is  : ) ....

Feel free to leave a comment with you thoughts