Thursday, June 2, 2016

Dark days and nightmares...

Dark days and nightmares...

I'm not sure how to put this down in words ...
I'm still having  nightmares and some dark days  about what happened to me near foxton -the near rape /attack - some times its having flash backs other times its the what if's that come up in my thoughts -  for the first week or so I keeped my thoughts and memorys of what happened locked away the best I could and tryed my best to move on with life - in my head is a space a bit like a mix between a bank vault and a army bunker where I lock away things I don't want to remember (some times having a near photography memory can be a bad thing) or things I can't deal with at that point in time - also I have what I call my safe place where I'm cut off from the world (one of the last times I went there was during a near suicide attempt in 2015 (the night of my birthday or near about ) its not a place that I can Stay long - in short it can cause big heath issues if I spend more then a few hours there any how the nightmares did stop for a few weeks? but as its not a good idea to keep things locked away to long the nightmares/broking sleep patterns and flash backs are back and getting worse and harder to deal with - the nightmares are very dark at times -having lots of time to think on the bike is some times not so good as some times as I'm riding on the bike I need to stop for a good cry /time out of the world on the side of the road other times its when I'm on my own in my tent - some times going to some very dark places - I'm not thinking about killing myself (as I some how know even during my very dark times its not the answer to the issues just like I some how know that drugs and alcohol as not the answer as well (a far to easy path to fall down (a big part of why I have to stay away from drugs and alcohol )

Having the police do little more than "victim blaming"  and not being offered real any help with the issues that came up because of the near rape - no one from the police or any one else has been in contact with me for updates or to see how I'm doing?

Also having "friends"  (who really should know better) tell me that it's just part of being female - to me that's more "victim blaming" - you are not helping - sorry but I don't accept that's OK for people to go around attacking /raping others just because someone is a woman (or in some cases it's men as well getting attack or raped ) to me it makes better sense to locked up /treat the sick people that attack /raped others then to do more victim blaming of the people/victims of such crimes - some have said that I need to forgive the (sick) person who attacked me /tryed to rape me - no I will not do that as they do not deserve my forgiveness as in many ways it's saying its OK what they did to me

Perhaps it's a case of me maybe now having pstd ( Posttraumatic stress disorder)? because of the near rape/attack? - on top of the domestic violence from my mums long term boyfriend - the times my mums boyfriend  has tried to kill me and the death threats over the Last? years (not that the police have done anything to help with that - thought some of that is more a issue with the way the law/way the police work)

Some days I feel I'm on the edge of a bad mental break down - some how I get though the day/night   - on a side note I can't take many of the drugs used in mental health (because of dyspraxia/other issues)  perhaps I may look more into service dogs (thought me living on the road by bike might be a issue - perhaps a dog trailer behind the bike?) - perhaps staying in a place where I feel safe for a few weeks or more?  May be a good idea though hard to do in reality because of a few different things - in the last 10? Years that I been full time on the road there's only been maybe 2 places with friends where I have stayed for more the 2 weeks and feel safe there (I wont say where but some of my friends will know exactly who/what places I'm talking about)  anyhow I will leave it at that as crying and trying to do typing on my phone don't work together well..

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