Some thoughts on the last 100 days
Its about 100 days from the day I changed my life -by taking off the mask and costume i had on ( well in many ways that's what it felt like so I could be the real me )going from living as a male to living full time as female- I don't tend to keep track of dates when things happen - it's was only I was looking at the calendar/planner app on my phone to work out the last time I was at my mums place and for some reason I looked up how long it's been from my changeover day - time flies when you're having fun : )
It's been a busy time for me with a lot of traveling- with some things staying the same and other things changing - I'm still out riding around nz on my bike. Some of the fun changes has been in what I wear and some of the new things in my panner bags - like a small make up kit - much of my clothes have changed with me having skits , dresses ,nice tops (and yes I do wear bras and my breast forms ) in my bike panniers or bike trailer even a par of boots with a 2" heel ( what I'm slowly getting used to walking in : ) much of what I wear on the bike is the same though I do some times wear a knee length skirt or dress ( with bike shorts on underneath) on the bike for a bit of fun and just because I can: )
What has it been like for me emotionally
Well I'm now a lot more happy in myself with no more big meltdowns and my depression is just about gone ( I still have the odd hard or bad day but it's no where as bad as it was )
There have been many days where I have done things that mean a lot to me - a big thank you to all the friends that have helped me on many of those days as with out you I'm not sure things would of gone so well for me - the 3 crazy ( in a good way : ) days I spent in auckland come to mind with 2 of the days being in front of a TV camera as I got my ears done and did many other things like getting a make over ( leaning about make up ) even got in some time around horses and met some new friends in auckland
Taking about friend ( and others) this was a place that I was some what worry about as in my research on transgender issues I saw that many transgender people do seem to lose a lot of the friends /family when they come out and was told by some that many of my friends would not like it / be able to handle it when I did come out and start the big and hard job of telling then what I was going to do ( changing my name and gender) - so what happened when people found out ? In some ways not much in other ways a lot so what do I mean by that ? Well it's like this - yes I did lose some friends but only maybe 10? And for many of then I all ready knew from they attitudes towards people like me ( ie transgender people) that they would no longer want to know me - I don't let it worry me as there will aways be people out there who don't understand ( or don't want to lean) as for people who have tried to cause issues with me being me I have had very few issues-mostly I have had 2 people on line say a few not so nice thing about me from what I heard and had 1 person make some transphobic comments at me out loud as I came out of a shop in otorohanga-so what did I do with the person making the comments out loud- well there was a few things I could of said but in the end all I did was take no notice of them and keep walking down the road with my head held high and a smile on my face - yes I'm transgender and no I'm not going to let the opinions of a very few get to me or up set me when I'm having a nice day walking around town - to me they attitudes and opinions shows just how little minded they are ( as no one else took any notice of them how little they opinions really matter) 98 % of the people I deal with every day have no issues with me being me ( I do get asked from time to time about transgender things so I answer the best I can as it helps with people then having a better understanding of things to do with transgender issues and information as there seems to be some misunderstandings because of how transgender people are portrayed on TV shows and the media at times)
As for the rest of my friends - they have been very supportive of me and the changes in my life - I did have to explain a few things to some to help clean up a few misunderstanding. I have had a lot of fun with my friends along the way doing things together ( over the last 100 days ) and in many ways I now have every more friends now then I had before I came out with the name/gender change
I did spend a lot of time thinking about what to do with on line suff -facebook and my blog - I had a few ways I could of done it but in the end I just did a new facebook page for myself and keepthe other my other facebook pages ( my travel and my te Araroa walk page) going setting then up to work with my new page - I all so posted on facebook and the blog what I was doing in my life and asked my facebook friends to friend me on my new page as I closed down my old page - for now I'm keeping my photography website the same as I'm not sure what to do with that yet
I'm still playing cache up with the Paper work - some of my paper work still says my old name or gender and other paper work has been updated with the new name and/or gender - I now have no photo I'd what can cause a few issues from time to time ( I can't even use my old passport for id as its under the old name /gender ) it's going to take at lest to next year to fix some of the paper work but I'm slowly chipping away at it as different bits of paper work come to light : ) most places have been ok once I explain things and I tend to allow more time to get things done as some times the people who I deal with need to ask someone higher up what to do
Last but not less some have told me after they found out what I was doing that I did not know what I was doing or I would be more unhappy with my life or asked me why I could not just stay the same and be happy with that - in other words a lot of fear - my answer to then is this is just something I knew i had to do for myself and only myself - to be the real me - to be Damiana regardless of what other may think - after my first 100 days do I have any regrets or plans to go back to who I was - it this point I will say no I don't have any real regrets over the path I have taken in my life and I have no plans what so ever to go back to the old me - the one who came so close to ending they life because they was so unhappy could not see a way out besides killing they self or making the hard choices that was needed for then to be they real self - the real me that I am now is very happy in life and is facing what ever life brings then with they head held high and a big smile on my face - in many ways it's still early days yet but I'm looking forward to my life
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